6:16AM: Open eyes. Oh my God! The alarm! How long has it been going off? Why didn’t you hear it? Slam the clock and jump out of bed. Late! Forty-five minutes late! Mentally add up how much time you have to take a shower, get dressed, get everyone up and dressed, drop everyone off at Grandpa and Nini’s…no, it’s not enough time. Something will have to go. Hair! Doing your hair isn’t essential, right? How bad can it look?
6:18AM-6:28AM: Realize that a sick opossum crawled into your bed overnight, ate off all your hair, then curled up and died on your head. Doing hair no longer an option but a necessity. Break out the flat iron, anti-frizz serum, and hairspray in an attempt to do damage control.
6:28AM: Give up. Put in a messy bun.
6:30AM: Burst into child’s room. Wake up! Wake up! Come on! We have to go! Child! WAKE UP!
6:32AM: Get child milk.
6:33AM: Give dog her medicine. Feed dog.
6:35AM: Deposit half asleep child with his half asleep father. Turn on Dinosaur Train while they both stare blearily at the screen.
6:40-6:50AM: Shower. Dress.
6:51AM: Check weather report. Choose Child’s clothes. Get diaper.
6:55AM: Go downstairs. Give husband his medicine. Throw Child’s clothes at husband and run back to kitchen to get lunch together while yelling that you’ll be ready in 10 more minutes and the kid better be ready to go at that time, too, and also the upstairs toilet isn’t working and can husband either fix it or call a plumber, or better yet just text you if he can’t fix it and you’ll call the plumber and HUSBAND, WHY ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING?! EVERYBODY WAKE UP! We have to GO, people!
6:56-7:05AM: Put on shoes, jewelry, coat. Search madly for Child's shoes, and that really important paper you need for work. Put dog on leash.
7:06-7:08AM: Wrestle about 10 dinosaurs out of Child’s hands. Bribe Child with Mardi Gras beads to get him to follow you out the door. Yell over your shoulder that you love your husband. Try to get out the door while not tripping on the child or the dog and carrying your laptop and your purse and your lunch and that really important…
7:09AM: Run back in for that really important paper.
7:10AM: Coerce the dog to jump into the back of the car.
7:11AM: Chase the child around the car yelling that he better stay put because you’re really late and you’re serious and we have to GO already!
7:12AM: Text Child’s Grandma: Omw. Running late. Will do drive-by drop off. Have Diet Coke ready, pls.
7:13AM: Start trip.
7:15AM: Sit at first stoplight.
7:17AM: Sit at second stoplight.
7:18AM: Sit at third stoplight.
7:21AM: Oh, for the love of…
7:24: Arrive at E’s grandparents’ house. Grandparents are assembled and ready like finely tuned racing car team. E’s grandfather gets the dog out of the back while Grandma gets Child and hands you Diet Coke in one seamless move.
7:26: Drive madly (but safely!) to work.
7:35: Get stuck behind a school bus that stops every 30 feet.
7:44: So close to work! You’re going to make it on time!
7:45: Huh. There are, like, 3 cars in the parking lot.
7:45:30: Oh, it’s the Friday before Spring Break, isn’t it?
7:46AM: Run in the door, really important piece of paper in hand.
7:46:30AM: No one is there yet.
7:47AM: Get an email saying that your boss has decided to take an early break, and that meeting today will be rescheduled to after Spring Break, and you can just give her that really important piece of paper when you all get back.
7:48AM: Put head down on desk.
7:52AM: Get text from Husband: Toilet fixed.
Well, it wasn't such a bad morning after all.
Fin.
Child! Glad you like education, and reading, etc., but for heaven's sake, let's go get dressed now!
No, not THOSE shoes. Hey wait, that's my missing red shoe! Where did you--no, nevermind. Go get YOUR shoes.
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