You Never Know

For all those couples considering having children, you need to know the truth of what it's like:


12:30AM: Hear Child crying on the monitor. Ugh. Not distressed crying, just quiet whimpering. He goes back to sleep after about 15 minutes.

2:30AM: Hear Child crying on the monitor. Whimpering turns to distressed crying. Get up. Go into Child's room. Can smell the problem already. He is standing in his crib, pointing to his diaper. Yeah, Little Man, problem is obvious. Get a new diaper, some wipes, and the Desitin out. Go to pick him up out of his crib and notice his nose. His face. The sheet. And the blood everywhere.

2:50AM: Diaper has been changed, removed to outside trash can (the Diaper Genie can only handle so much...uh...fragrance). Nose has been cleaned, assessed, Neosporin applied. It's a cut, not a nose bleed; he obviously scratched himself, probably because he has a cold and a runny nose. Put Child back in bed, go back to own bed.

3:15AM: Child still has not gone back to sleep. Ugh. Playful chirps turn to whimpers turn to distressed crying. Go back in. "What?" Kid pitifully signs and says, "Eat! Eat!"

3:20AM: Go downstairs. Get Child milk. Wouldn't normally, but he's had another stomach bug (yes, on top of the cold) and is probably really hungry since he poops out everything 4 hours after he eats it.

3:30AM: Child has had milk, eyes are bright and wide awake. Put him back in his crib. "It's 3:30AM. Go back to sleep."


4:00AM: Hear last peep on the monitor. Child has gone back to sleep. Maybe will sleep in to make up for lost sleep?

6:11AM: Child is not sleeping in. Get up. Remember you've given up Diet Coke, but cannot possibly remember why. Child is full of energy, and perhaps a little manic due to being pretty tired. Running, screaming.

6:20AM: Wake up Child's Father. "Here. This is yours now." Hand over Child.

6:30-7:00AM: Take shower. Attempt to make hair look somewhat not awful. Find clothes that aren't too wrinkled. Don't even bother with contacts because your eyes feel so scratchy, like you didn't get enough sleep. Or something.

7:30AM: Leave for Grandma's house to drop off Child. Husband, who could have gone back to sleep, helps take Child and Dog and Multiple Computers out to car. Think, "Well, that was kind of sweet." Child screams the entire car ride between rubbing his eyes and yawning.

8:00AM-4:45PM: Work. Meh.

4:45PM: Get text from Husband. He's leaving work early, will pick up everything needed for dinner. Well, that makes things a little easier.

5:00PM: Pick up child from Grandma's. Try to ignore fact that he runs away from you when you say it's time to go home.

5:30PM: Home. Watch 15 minutes of Play with Me Sesame with Husband and Child in big, cuddly dog-pile on couch.

5:45PM: Make dinner. Husband grills chicken. Make the broccoli and rice. Child takes blanket and throws it around his shoulders like a cape then dances a high-spirited jig. Child then takes blanket and puts it over his head, spins in a circle, falls on his bottom, and says, "Uh oh." Try not to laugh as you very seriously explain to him that running around with a blanket on his head could be dangerous.

6:00PM: Dinner. Yum. Talk about, ah, grown-up things with Husband. Work and stuff. Child sits in high chair. Makes scrunchy face that makes everyone laugh. Does this several times.

6:30PM: Clean kitchen with Husband. Child helps put dishes in dishwasher.

6:50PM: Husband takes Child upstairs for a bath. Go upstairs and find they are actually in the shower. Listen to child squeal and stomp feet happily. Splash, squeal, stomp. Splash, squeal, stomp.

7:10PM: Get big, sloppy goodnight kiss from Child. Close the door with a smile as Husband and Child curl up on glider to read, yet again, One Fish, Two Fish.

7:15PM: A bit of quiet time. Update your blog.

7:30PM: Husband comes downstairs. Not a peep from Child on monitor. Curl up on couch with Husband who smells Irish Spring clean. Wonder if this is the best day ever? Mmm, possibly.