A Most Determined Flirt

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Are you female? Are you young? Are you pretty? Then allow me to introduce you to Eamon Wolfe, who is truly, madly, deeply in love with you.

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Eamon is a flirt of gigantic proportions. He’s friendly to everyone, but the kid totally loses his head for young, pretty girls. (And by young, I mean late teens, early twenties. He has no interest in women his own age.)

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Instance the first: Swim lessons Last Week

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Eamon usually looooves swimming, and nothing can distract him. When the other kids cry or scream, he just ignores them. He is there for a purpose, and that purpose is swimming. But last week? Last week, the lifeguard who stands on the side of the pool…she was a pretty young girl. It’s usually a guy, and Eamon never notices. But last Saturday, Eamon insisted that we swim to the side of the pool I don’t know how many times, over and over, and then he would point and smile at the young lady. She tried to dutifully ignore him at first, since her job is to watch all the babies, but after enough shrieks and award-winning smiles from him, she finally gave in and smiled back.

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Eamon was over the moon. But he wasn’t satisfied. He now wanted to get out of the pool. I thought he wanted to practice his jumps, but no—he wanted to walk over to her so that he could…I don’t know? Get her phone number? Ask if she was tired from running through his thoughts all morning? Propose?

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Instance the second: Olive Garden

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Everything was going fine for our Father’s Day lunch. Eamon was eating his chicken fingers, dipping his French fries in my chicken marsala sauce (why not?), and everything was quite pleasant. And then, two young ladies, barely in their twenties, sat at the table beside us.

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Eamon continued eating, but in a distracted way where he was actually turned towards the girls and absent-mindedly pulling food off his plate and putting it in his mouth without actually seeing the food. We probably could have fed him Brussels sprouts and he wouldn’t have noticed. He was instead smiling and waving constantly. The girls were not immune to his charms. At one point, one of them stuck her tongue out at Eamon and made a funny face, and so the rest of our meal was spent watching our child stick out his tongue and shriek at the young ladies to get their attention. I don’t think the girls talked to each other for the first 20 minutes of their meal, since they were far too busy being distracted by our girl-crazy son.

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These are not the only instances, by far. Anytime we go anywhere and see a pretty young girl, Eamon ratchets up the charm to the nth degree. The few times that he has been ignored (very few), he is completely befuddled. You can almost see it on his face—“But I’m cute. Why won’t you pay attention to me? All the other girls do!”

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The upshot of all this is that I get to meet many pretty young girls when I apologize for the ridiculous attention that my son pays them. It’s silly, really, because I’m not really in the market to meet pretty young girls, so all Eamon’s talents as the World’s Best Wingman are completely wasted.

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Of course, nothing really comes of these innocent flirtations, because, well, Eamon is 18 months old and most of these girls are about 18 years old. As I said earlier, Eamon really isn’t interested in girls his own age…but they are interested in him. At his gym class, there are a couple of toddler girls that chase him around all the time, trying to kiss him. Eamon finds them highly annoying, and runs away…straight into the arms of the gym class instructor…who happens to be about twenty, and you guessed it, quite pretty.

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