If Nonspeaking Things Could Talk

Kate's Computer: (in a sleepy, confused voice) Huh? WPA password? Internet? I have no idea what you're talking about. You say I've hooked up to the internet reliably everyday for the past three years? Sorry, I'm just not recalling this. Do you happen to have the password written down anywhere? You did, but then the file on the computer isn't there anymore? Wow. That's a quandary. Huh. Sorry, I just don't think I can help you with any of this.

The Knob on the Front Door to Our House: (in a snotty, French voice) Non! I will not werk anymore! Eet is a deesgrace, all zis coming and ze going. I weel not open ezer again! Pah!

The Lock on the Back Door to Our House: (in a tough, northern accent) You know what I say? I saw screw you. You gonna not use the lock for two years and then expect it to suddenly work? Well, tough cookies--the lock is rusted shut and there's nothing you can do about it.

Kate's Big Red Suitcase: (in a big, red suitcasey way) Ha! She still hasn't unpacked me from her trip to New York to see the Tony Awards. Wait a second--is this Kate's thinly-veiled attempt to tell the world that SHE WENT TO SEE THE TONY AWARDS AND HAD A GREAT TIME IN NEW YORK WHILE EAMON AND AARON HAD A LOT OF BONDING TIME AT HOME BY THEMSELVES FOR A LONG WEEKEND? Tsk. Not very subtle, Kate. Not very subtle.

Nesta: (in a weary English nurse-maid sort of voice) You want another kiss, little Eamon? Oh dear. Yes, yes, I appreciate all the affection and I do love you, too, but this is getting ridiculous. Of course, it thrills me that your face lights up whenever you see me, but if you could manage not to grab my ears and put my nose in your mouth every now and then, it would be greatly appreciated.

Eamon's Baby Elmo Doll: (in, you know, an Elmo voice) Why is the baby calling Elmo "Eh-goo?" Wait a second! He's reliably calling me something? Something vaguely Elmo related? That's fantastic! Elmo is so excited!

Aaron's Text Message to Kate: (in a non-punctuated, non-capitalized sort of voice) If Eamon learns to say "Elmo" before "mama" or "dada," I'm going to shoot that red furry *bleep*